A Parent's Love Lives On Through Children

It was 1969, and I was six when my grandfather died. He was a stoic, dapper German gentleman, a banker whose greatest claim to "fame" (I learned years later) was that he was entrusted with helping teach the young Rockefeller boys about banking.

I remember he taught me how to play checkers--and I felt a connection with him over that. (I knew he enjoyed it, and he seemed happy and approving of me when we played).

I visited grandpa with my dad one night. Dad told me only that grandpa was very sick, but everyone seemed so sad and quiet...I knew this was different. I knew to say "I love you grandpa." My father spent some time with him as I stood outside. On the way home I asked my dad questions, to which he finally answered
"Grandpa is going to die."
He didn't seem to want to talk after that.

Die.

All I knew was that when you died, you were very still, like sleep, and you never moved again, and you never woke up. And I knew you went to heaven (so why did they bury people--and why had my dead guinea pig that I'd buried not gone to heaven--it was there when I dug it back up a few days later?)

That night I was very sad, but decided that my parents would never die and I would be with them forever and I was able to sleep. The next day, I wasn't so sure, so I had this conversation with my mom.

"Mommy, you and daddy will never die, right?"
"Everyone dies Jimmy. Your dad and I will both die some day."

I began to cry.
"But I don't want you to die."
"Well, you don't worry Jimmy. It will be a LONG time before we die. a LONG. long time."
I tried to make her promise she would never die. I remember it made me angry that she wouldn't. Tears filled her eyes. She kissed me and gave me a long hug.
This brought me comfort--as only a mother's hug can do.

(Thankfully I didn't know anyone who lost their mother or father at a young age. I don't know WHAT I would have done!)

Flash to today...Mom had heart surgery this morning

Last night my son and I traveled to see mom. We were there to be with her, and to pray for her. She was scheduled for heart surgery Thursday (this morning) after a heart catheterization Tuesday turned up some "leaky valves" they wanted to fix right away.

As my son talked with his grandma, I remembered my heart-to-heart nearly 40 years ago...
"Everyone dies Jimmy. Your dad and I will both die some day."
I wondered if this was it, though I didn't dare speak it. I couldn't bear to think it. That fear, long postponed, rushed in, with a flood of memories.

As we prayed together, my love for my mom just poured out as I thanked God for her, for her love, for the amazing gift of God she is to me and to my son. I thanked God for her love. I've never met a kinder, more caring and loving person than mom. I asked God to allow His love to live on and keep on flowing through her.

What a strange thing that such a loving woman would need a heart operation.

And, even at 70, she has the voice of an angel (she is even in a band, "Mustang Sally and the Hamjo's"). One of my favorite memories as a child was falling asleep as she sang.

Update...
Mom's heart surgery went very well...and she is in recovery. Her heart will go on, as will her love.

As I paused to thank God for seeing mom through, I was struck by a soul-felt determination that her love will live on through me.

Life is short dear friends. Cherish every moment. Life is about people. (And yes, God, of course.) But loving people--that's it. We are gifts to one another...for a season. Let's make the most of that season. Let our lives be filled with love for others.

I hope you'll enjoy this song, "Didn't I Dance?", sung by my mother with her band, not long ago. I imagine this song to mean more than simply dancing in and of itself. I think of it as our dancing the dance of life...to the rhythm of love:




In COMMENTS below, please honor your mother, father--or anyone you know who has shown you amazing love!

Related posts:
Time is a Ticking Crocodile: Making the Most of It With Your Kids"
Dear Dad, The War is Over

Check out the other Parentconsensus blogs:
Families That Inspire
Families in the News
ChristmasTime Memories

Dear Dad, The War is Over

(This is a departure from my normal light-hearted bloggin' self, but I had to go here man. For a humorous post about me and dad, see my July 28 post: http://www.parentconsensus.com/blog/2008/07/caring-about-what-people-think-cowboy.html )

Boy this picture...it just brings back so many fond memories of me and dad. Yep...good times! Dad was a yeller. If he wanted something done, anger and yelling were his two favorite motivational approaches. This colors many of my earliest memories.

When I was little, in my child's mind, I just wanted my dad to be happy with me, I wanted to be sure he liked me. Whereas other kids my age seemed to brush off such things, as far back as I can remember, these things hit me deep. I tried and tried to make him happy, but then there would be the anger, the yelling and I would fail to please again, and again, and again. By my teen years I had decided it was just not possible. I gave up on me and dad--I had to. It was too painful to keep hoping things could change.

How did I feel? I remember seeing a video where a man recounted how his stepdad ignored him, pretty much treated him like he was invisible. But the one time the stepdad did engage with him, it went like this: "Hey you...you know you're nothing but a seagull, good for nothing but eating and pooping."* Though my dad never went THAT far in what he said of me...I felt that same worthlessness and hopelessness in the face of the anger and the criticism--that my father had given up on me. The wound went deep. I felt a dark cloud over our relationship.

Dad and I, well...suffice to say, we just didn't get along. The teen years were best described, from my perspective, as a war. Far from the little boy struggling with the dark cloud, I was now a full-blown, angry adolescent--short-fused, impatient, critical and frustrated...just like dad. There were times where I came close to returning his anger physically. Thank God I never crossed that line.

Had you known me then, and had you witnessed one of my dad's no-holds barred tirades (as some of friends did), and asked me, I might have told you, "I hate my dad." There were good times, don't get me wrong. But the anger and the dark times were never far away.

By the time I graduated high school, dad had begun to soften, but I was on the attack--I was makin dad's life miserable I am pretty sure. I was driven by pain and anger and would not let go.

That's when I had a turning point in my life. At 21, I had a religious conversion. I remember when I made that turnaround, overcome by feeling loved and forgiven by God, I determined, "I will never forgive my dad." But two weeks later, my heart was softened to the point where I decided, it was time to simply "give up."

I wrote my dad a letter.

Dear Dad,

The war is over. I give up. I'm tired of us being enemies. I am tired of all the anger, and crap we put each through. I want my dad back. I want to be your son.

You are a gift from God to me. There's still a lot I need to learn from you. From now on, you have my respect, and I am going to be listening to you, and I will honor you.

I love you dad,

Jim

I left the letter on the steering wheel of dad's car. As usual, dad left the house without a word, to go work at "the shop" (our struggling music store). I heard him start the car...and then I heard him turn the car off...and I heard a knock on my bedroom door. It was dad.

"I read your letter," he said, with a tear in his eye. "And I want you to know I've noticed a change in you...and things are gonna be different. I promise."

We hugged. "Things" were never the same.

Ever since that time, my dad and I greet each other with a hug...and we part with an "I love you." (Hey maybe if we saw each other like every day, it would be less mushy...but we don't, so there it is...) Dad makes it clear how proud he is of me and that he is my number one fan. He reads everything he can get that I've written. In our phone calls he is always SO interested in everything I am doing. He is always encouraging. Since that time, dad has been my #1 fan. He advises me. He helps me. We don't always see eye to eye--and that's okay now. There's a lot of life for us to live out together, as a father and son.

(Picture is of my son Mike with my mom and dad.)

I encourage you, to make it right while there is still time....

And a few other things:

Forgive. To sustain anger and hate...it is exhausting, it screws up chemicals in our brains, it hardens our hearts, it sickens our bodies. It robs us of the ability to see the good and the beautiful. It imprisons us in our pain. Someone has to forgive first so love has a way in. Be that person and set yourself free.

Let people change. I know it is incredibly risky to hold out hope for someone to change. Some people say folks never really change. I understand that. But I've changed over the years. Dad has changed. Anyone can change. Love, the tough kind or the unconditional kind...are the only ways we can help one another change.

Life's too dang short man...I want to expend my energy forgiving and loving. And even if I end up being hurt more than my fair share...I've found the way of love is way happier and healthier. I've never felt more alive. I wish this for you as well...

*(From a video produced by John Eldredge, author of Wild At Heart--great book for men)

Tell your story of forgiveness in the Comments below!

Check out the website I believe every parent needs: http://www.parentconsensus.com

Explore forgiveness and build your relationship with your teenager with the book, 101 Movie Clips That Get Families Talking: http://www.parentconsensus.com/index.php?p=Store

Grandpa in Critical Condition After Pushing Grandchild to Safety!

(Note, this post is made up mostly of material from thedenverchannel.com, so please see this link to see the story as published by them: Grandfather Critical After Pushing Newborn To Safety . Thanks!)

"DENVER -- A grandfather remained in critical condition Thursday after police said he sacrificed himself to save his newborn granddaughter. "

I LOVE to put positive stuff on this blog when I can. This is just such an occasion.

James Lewin, 65 was enjoying a holiday celebration, pushing his 12-day-old granddaughter, Sara in her stroller.

As they entered a crosswalk, a pickup truck turned and plowed into them! Just before impact, quick-thinking (and acting), James pushed his granddaughter out of the path of the vehicle, just as he was struck by the vehicle. (He pushed so hard, the stroller handle was broken). She rolled to safety, but James was hit and dragged 75-feet before the unsmart driver FINALLY stopped.

"Lewin has a fractured left wrist, a dissected artery in his neck which has caused several strokes, six fractured ribs, a bruised lung, multiple facial fractures, a broken nose, and a horrible road rash all over his body." He is in critical condition.

Though heavily sedated, he responds well when he can hear his 3-year-old grandson, Brian, speak. When Brian went to see him, he said "I love you grandpa," he went crazy with movement, flailing his left arm, moving his feet, trying to either talk or get the breathing tube out of his mouth," said a family member.

Some other things make me a real fan of Mr. Lewin and for which I think he needs to be honored:
* He is not new to heroism. He retired after 29 years as a firefighter.
* Spending time with the kids and grandkids. No self-absorbed retirement for him! He is loving his family, knows that life is about people. He is doing it right!

Please pray for Mr. Lewin (whether that is to God, a higher power, yourself, or if you just believe in releasing positive energy.... :) . Keep track of updates on his condition at the family's website: James Lewin's Caringbridge website

(I notice that the most recent post says Mr. Lewin has suffered a setback. There is a guestbook there...please leave a note of encouragement. Over 28,000 people have visited! Please do so as well.)

(P.S.--While I was penning this blog, I saw this author Rick Smolan interviewed and discussing the book he co-authored, called America at Home Between this story and the story of that wonderful book of 100 families across America...I was a wreck. I ordered it on Amazon. Here is the link, if you'd like to order: America at Home )